We Celebrate & Thank YOU/Blog in review, Annual Report 2014 Finale… Check It Out!

A Happy, prosperous and merry New Year’s Eve to you!

In the beginning of this year, my wife and I both agreed to go public with some our most intimate, personal hardships endured over the last several years. What began as a tenuous conversation evolved into an exhilarating, cathartic process, week after week. We both admit that a deepened healing has been experienced as a result of sharing with you, beloved readers. We could not anticipate your responses, much less, the changes in our own heart.  This blog was the impetus for new friendships, deepened relationships and a spiritual compass back home for one dear friend.  Very little is more familiar to me (Leah) than putting ink to paper and pouring out my experiences, thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams however; to share the contents of those journals with others, was nothing short of intimidatingly terrifying.

The very first post had to be the most difficult. Publish Immediately, I clicked the little icon and then pulled it back for editing.  Publish Immediately, I (Kervens) assured my wife that we’re in this together. So many of our friends and family were afraid to broach the subject; I mean how do you come out and ask….”So how is your walk with God since all your children died?” Can you really bear to hear us talk about Solomon, Amelie, Zoe and Cassia and not worry for us? How is our marriage, our mental, emotional and even physical health? We were more afraid of the slew of painful questions like, “Am I seeing this or that specialist?  Have I tried this or that natural, homeopathic remedy?  Have I met with this preacher or shaman for prayer and spiritual light and instruction?”  Instead of fear-driven interactions, we received words of encouragement, prayers, and empathetic engagement. As you assured us of your comfort, we were comforted.

Thank you family and friends for your presence on this journey. We know that we are not alone. So for every word read, for every comment sent, for the phone calls, the Facebook likes, the Twitter favs, emails shared and donations made, Thank you! We appreciate you for all this and so much more. We look forward to sharing and revealing more of our hearts, fears, pains, adventures and deepest hopes with you in 2015.

On this day, we celebrate the launch of our blog by sharing some stats and mile-markers. We celebrate the days of 2014, such as the, Forget Me Not Memorial Event and our five (5) year wedding anniversary and we look forward to the future. 2015 will include new fundraising endeavors like KickStarter, opportunities for you to post your story with us, a devotional and most importantly, opportunities to look at God’s love for us as we reflect over our lives.  Please celebrate responsibly and graciously.  Share love with a new and different face, in a new and different place, in a new and different way…why…because that’s what He did for us all.

Happy New Years family!

-Love KervensLeah 

The Toussaints 🙂



Click on Icon above to view the Annual Stat report

The WordPress.com stats helper elves prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

  • A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,300 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 55 trips to carry that many people.
  • Our website was viewed by over 56 countries, most of which from the United States with Brazil & Italy not too far behind.
  • The most popular and the most read post was Ever After

Click HERE to see the complete report.

14 Celebs Who Tragically had Miscarriages & Stillbirths PT 2

They have money, they have fame, and they also have experienced loss. Miscarriage and stillbirths and infant loss affects us all, whether rich or poor, black or white. Even presidents are not immune. It’s been reported that 1 in every 160 births in the US is a stillbirth, and, sadly, most of these deaths are unexplained.*

See below celebrities who have experienced miscarriage and stillbirths Continue reading

12 Celebs Who Tragically had Miscarriages & Stillbirths PT 1

For most families, becoming pregnant is one of the ecstatic moment in their lives. The excitement of feeling the baby’s first flutters, kicks and turns, the emotional thrill of hearing the heartbeat for the first time and trying to pick out the perfect name all bring joyous thoughts and palpable anticipation to the expecting couple. For many, the nausea, incessant bathroom trips, doctor visits, labor and finally delivery all but fade away as the small eyes of mommy and baby meet for the first time. Unfortunately for many, this is not the case. For a myriad of diagnosed, known or unknown reasons, not every pregnancy ends in the bundle of joy hoped for. Sometimes, that beautiful life growing inside of mom suddenly ends; October is dedicated to those pregnancies and babies. It’s been reported that 1 in every 160 births in the US is a stillbirth, and, sadly, most of these deaths are unexplained.*

12 Celebrities Who Had Miscarriages/Stillbirths Continue reading

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

For every parent who has carried and lost the precious gift of life…Every parent who has suffered loss locked in silence…Every parent who has not been comforted because society tells them that what was lost was not a child…Though the world may not listen, we know…


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January 14, 1988, President Reagan signing the Proclamation and proclaiming October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

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Letters to our Son: It’s A Boy!

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Will it be boots or jellies, ribbons or bow ties, barrettes or cufflinks? From the very beginning, Kervens just knew our bump concealed a girl, despite both our mothers’ intuition. I was secretly hoping for our first child to be a boy.  Everyone with an older brother can attest to the blessing and curse it is.  Early in life, he does really weird things like incessantly tickling his victim that may lead to the unexpected tinkle, if he’s sadistic enough (I learned this the hard way). He tortures and antagonizes anyone or anything that comes in his path. Sisters were not spared the obviously disproportionate wrestling matches and random insect tosses that tended to land on your face (somewhere around on or your lip, of course). My brother created a game only he could enjoy, “Oops, I saved your life.” It is as terrifying as it sounds.  Continue reading

Letters to our Son: Passing on Values and Passions

“Dear Son”…I dreamed of sitting quietly by while Solomon mouthed these words during his times of fear, insecurity, disappointment or doubt. The following post are two entries from the journal I kept during the pregnancy with our first baby, our son, Solomon. I read them again just before posting and all I can say is I love my little boy and I feel sorry, deeply sorry for those that know this pain. I had great hopes, dreams and expectations during that time. Wouldn’t you? Continue reading

Blessing or Curse: Too Soon to Tell Part 2


Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Psalm 127:3 (NASB)  


Since my last post, Blessing or Curse: Too Soon to Tell Part 1, two new babies were born to friends of ours. We congratulate them and agree with many that the families are blessed according to the above verse. So, once again I ask, what does it mean to be blessed? What makes a person feel blessed? Just after Solomon’s death, I came across the verse, John 16: 21, “Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world.”  Ouch! Wow! That little verse stung. So, even Jesus assumed the natural outcomes of pregnancy to be pain and then a baby. I read the verse and made a correlation between fulfilled hope and joy. The woman in labor expects that the pain of labor will result in the object and subject of her love. Well, obviously He could not expect me to feel blessed or have joy when my protracted and grueling labor with four babies ended in death. Continue reading

Inception II ?

…He will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.. [Isaiah 61:3]


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Boy or Girl? Who knows?

Eighteen weeks in. My throat is dry. My heart is pacing. I always dread these moments. Like a repeat offender awaiting sentencing from the “no-nonsense” judge, apprehension and anxiety constrain any thoughts of hope contending for right of entry. We mutedly banter about what to expect in the ultrasound. The office is quiet despite the other patients, each one absorbed in their phone or electronic device or perhaps in their own thoughts. So this is the time when enthusiasm abounds; where hope, dreams, and reality coalesce; when suspicions are quelled. Today we learn of our baby’s gender, anatomy measurements will be made and the most important developmental surges are observed for normality. Continue reading

Blessing or Curse: Too Soon to Tell Part 1

Besides prayer and the Trinity, nothing confounds human comprehension like the idea of biblical “blessings.”  I was talking with a friend a couple weeks ago about a miraculous intervention.  God had provided in ways she and family members never could’ve dreamed of or imagined. She recounted the myriad of unsolicited, unexpected and trivial yet orchestrated events that landed her son in college, full scholarship to boot. A couple years later, the family learned that it was actually the worst experience of his life, he dropped out and ultimately, all of the family felt the negative ripple effects.  We pondered our perception of “good” and “blessing.”  I was more confused than ever.   Continue reading

Letters to our Son: Supernatural Childbirth

Have you ever been jumped, bullied, fired, foreclosed, dumped, divorced or endured a public wardrobe malfunction? If you answered yes to any of these things, then you understand SHAME.  It is with great shame I reveal my naïveté. Great contemplation was made before selecting this post from my journal to our son. So, before the theologically astute reader rants on my elementary, misguided understanding of the Word of God, I must warn you–the damage is already done.  Set the scalpel down and hear the hearts of the sheep led astray. Continue reading

Letters to Our Son: Cautionary Tale–A Naive Hope

Have you ever wished, truly hoped for something to happen? Did you feel like you needed to “convince” yourself that it would. Did you start planning and living life as if the event was confined in the hands of time, imminent nonetheless?  It would be absurd to even consider an alternative.  I have a friend that spent 16 years obsessed with his big break.  He just knew he would be the next Jay-Z. Every showcase, demo and studio visit served as evidence to the inevitable. Well, as I mentioned in my last post, I will share a few entries from the journal I kept during our pregnancy. As I look back on those entries, I can’t help but feel foolish, like that friend. I am not a dream killer, but I wanted to convince him to consider using his talent and passion in other ways. I finally understand the futility of warnings in the face of unimaginable reward.  So, I admit that these entries are cloaked in naivety, as you can imagine. I am not sure what is to gain by sharing. It’s not the most flattering, scientifically or theologically correct submissions, but it is from the heart of this mother. May God take this and do with it as He wills. Continue reading

Middle Finger


Those who find themselves and their eternal God through suffering have not suffered meaninglessly. – Tullian Tchividjian,  “Glorious Ruin”


In 2010, at the height of my walk as a Christian, I was steam rolled by catastrophe of epic proportions. I mean adversity is one thing but a man’s first-born, his seed, his namesake to be here one day and all of a sudden, not… I’m not the son of the infamous, deceased attorney Johnnie Cochran but to know that a great injustice had been improperly served was apparent. Here was my logic, (which was not great by the way but, here goes).  I forsake the pleasures of the world in order to follow Christ as Lord and Savior and He blesses my effort, my obedience, my surrender, right? Wrong! Continue reading

Ever After

“I didn’t marry you plus kids, I married you for you; if they never come I have in you more than I EVER deserved!” -To my wife in the wake of our grieving in 2010:


Like the Disney movies it was supposed to be happily ever after. I met the girl of my dreams in the summer of 2007. We both had been newly converted and on fire for Christ after years of turning our backs to the church in which our childhood was consumed with for years.

After getting married on December 5th of 2009 we felt as if we were on the right path and we were doing the right things. I mean we weren’t perfect but who is? Indeed we were on our way to receiving the promise of happily ever after so we assumed.Disney-Logo-Walt-Disney

Tragedy would later derail these plans. Continue reading

Grief & Coping During the Holidays

 

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Lights, music, festivities all around… but when you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, it is anything but “the most wonderful time of the year”. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness. Holidays are some of the toughest terrain to navigate after a loss. The ways we handle them are as individual as we are. Here are some helpful tips and reminders. 

Some Tips for Coping with Grief During the Holidays 

Eliminate Unnecessary stress. You may already feel stress so don’t overextend yourself. 

Surround yourself with people who care and support you. Identify family and friends who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings.

Let yourself grieve. You’re grieving, so let yourself feel the sadness. Grief is a process and must be honored.

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